Trust Offenders & Lie Forgivers (II) – Betrayal

Dealing with betrayals and people who break your trust and confidence

Trust offenders(Betrayal)


Click HERE to read the first part

Betrayal is one of the most painful human experiences. Discovering that someone we trusted has deeply hurt us pulls the reality rug from under us. We will examine two broad forms of betrayal.  Betrayal as a loss and betrayal in marriage/dating.

When we see the word “betrayal” we may immediately think “affair.” But betrayal comes in many forms. Abandonment, vicious gossip, and spreading lies also may be experienced as betrayal. Betrayals can also be experienced as a loss.


Betrayal as a loss

In our society, we may have trouble understanding the concepts of betrayal as a loss because we have not been trained to express ourselves emotionally. In reality, the same sense of loss that you experience with the death of loved one is felt when trust is snatched away abruptly – the death of trust. As previously discussed, to be betrayed, a person must first trust in the betrayer. It is fairly impossible for you to be betrayed if you did not trust the individual in the first place. Betrayal is one of the most devastating loss a person can experience. This loss can be real, an illusion or a perception but the pain is tangible to the victim.

Loss of reality: betrayal as a loss can be experienced when someone you trust actively violates your trust in them by lying to you, cheating on you, abusing you, or hurting you by putting their own self-interest first. For instance, if a very close friend and confidant ( who by the way you can do anything for) has been spreading lies about you and he is found out, the relationship may become strained. As a result of the strained relationship, you may be unwilling to ask for this friend’s counsel immediately. You have lost a friend and confidant, that reality has been replaced with a new reality that this person might as well not be a friend at all. It may not be easy to instantaneously get a replacement or to start trusting again. This is a form of loss.

Loss of illusion: By this, it means when a person actively creates an illusion that you bought into. For instance, if a lady knows the specifications a man is shopping for in a wife and then presents herself to be what the man is looking for even though she’s not. If the man buys into this illusion to later find out that she is nothing like what she presented herself to be, the man feels betrayed and experiences a form of loss, especially when he knows the lady deliberately deceived him. The way he has always perceived the spouse (his perfect match) has to give way to a new reality (a deceiver).  A lot of product advert are guilty of disillusioning potential buyers into patronizing their products by promising them what the product cannot deliver.

Loss of perception: This type of betrayal is the sense of loss that is felt when we buy into a ‘deal’ because of what we erroneously think “it/they” represent. For instance, if a young man decides to get married to someone he thinks is chaste, if he finally discovers she’s had a thriving sexual past, he will feel betrayed. Or if a lady perceives a man to be wealthy because he talks, dresses and generally appears well packaged without any input from him at distorting her perception, then she will experience loss of the blissful life she has hoped for if the man is not as wealthy as he looks. In both cases, the wrong perception of the person will be lost.

It is important to note that whatever form of loss a person is faced with, attracts almost very similar pain. Whether a child was abused by the parents who are supposed to love, support, and protect the child or a partner has had an affair the sense of loss is overwhelming. It could be the loss of companionship, loss of emotional or financial support, loss of a perception of a loved one, feelings of emptiness etc. the pain is real.

Next time we will continue by dissecting how to deal with the loss of a relationship, (Click HERE to read) but before then do not try to pretend the loss and betrayal didn’t get to you, own up to it. Face the facts! It hurts and may hurt deeply. Give yourself the freedom to face the pain. Acknowledgment of the pain is the first step in the healing process. Talk to a friend if you have trusted ones and you can also reach out to me through my mail at or you can book a free appointment with me through this link HERE .

Keep safe, I commit you to God who is able to soothe the pain.

I care deeply.





Nike Adekunle is the president of SWiM (Sisters, Wives and Mothers} Forum. At SWiM, Nike and her team equips men, women, married and singles with all the information and strategies needed to make relationships and marriage work. In collaboration with members of SWiM, She hosts REALationship Unfeigned (an initiative that promotes healthy relationships) and Roaring Lioness (a prayer focus group). Nike is a relationship coach, marriage counselor, blogger, writer and an author. She currently has four books to her credit. To get her books, visit

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